Representative Countriesand their Noble Captains
What LNM Olympics would be complete without profiling our representative countries and their noble and illustrious captains? We may all do different jobs, but we don’t let anything stop us—and that’s why it only makes sense to pit ourselves against each other in a feat of Olympian heroics. Only an intense level of friendly competition can determine which country (or department) is the most athletic, talented, and intelligent of them all.
Without further ado, let us introduce you to our countries by giving you a little background on what qualifies these collective minds to participate in such noble and enlightening Olympic events.
United States of Adminica
The Web Sea
The Tech Republic
New South Sales
Openhagen
United Local Emirates
Designladesh
Denmarketing
Customer Careman Islands
Contentinople
Designladesh
Design
Designladesh always has to be on top of its game because its work is literally the face of what we do. When they mess up, we all look ugly, and that’s a whole lotta pressure. Luckily, they thrive under pressure, especially when engaged in Olympic-style feats.
Team Captain: Shayne Scherer
Age: 31
Date of birth: August 6, 1991
Department of origin: Designladesh
Pump up song: Kublai Khan – The Hammer
Pre event ritual: Eat some steak, drink some bourbon
Favorite food: Steak
Favorite Smell: Also Steak
The animal you identify with the most: The Liger
The quote you would like to be known by: I like big butts and I cannot lie
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Cookie dough, because vanilla and chocolate chips are hard, but every now and then you get the soft chewy bit.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When I was 4 my father was riding his donkey and the donkey broke its leg. I carried the donkey home on my back.
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Thank you come again
New South Sales
Sales/AE
New South Sales keeps the coffers filled and are fundamental to putting food in all our fridges. These are pro-people handlers and can rebuttal even the most tenacious excuses given forth by any client.
Team Captain: Mike Wharran
Age 36
Date of birth: December 8th 1986
Department of origin: New South Sales
Pump up song: Rick Astley - Never gonna give you up (everyone is getting rick rolled 🙂)
Pre event ritual: Close a deal
Favorite food: Souls of my enemies
Favorite Smell: The competition's fear
The animal you identify with the most: Werewolf
The quote you would like to be known by: Im here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and i am all out of bubblegum.
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Chocolate, because i am always a great pick!
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: After my battle with superman years ago, the loser has to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, we know the results of that epic battle
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Other captains? I don't see any competition around here...
Openhagen
Opening
Openhagen paves the way for bridge-building between our company and prospective clients. This vital work allows us to get to the best new clients first and opens the way for growth and opportunity across all departments.
Team Captain: Matthew Peters
Age 69 years young
Date of birth: 4/20/69
Department of origin: Openhagen
Pump up song: My heart will go on - Celine Dion (Titanic Theme Song)
Pre event ritual: De-robe and shave
Favorite food: Eggplants
Favorite Smell: Pickle Juice
The animal you identify with the most: Sea Cucumber
The quote you would like to be known by: "Great minds think alike, dirty minds work together"
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Something super nutty
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: Baby, I was born this way
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: I will not fail Mother Mylisa or James - with the power of Sherpa I will prevail
Contentinople
Content
Nobody really knows what they do down in the engine room we call Contentinople, but they’re hitting their quotas and keeping the dream alive with unique copy that converts. That’s introverts for you!
Team Captain: Tyson “The Big Cheese” Breen
Age XXX (30)
Date of birth: January 22, 1992
Department of origin: Contentinople
Pump up song: "Kickstart My Heart" - Mötley Crüe
Pre event ritual: Injecting myself with 100mg of anabolic steroids and then calling my mother so she can wish me good luck.
Favorite food: Canned sardines
Favorite Smell: Canned sardines
The animal you identify with the most: The majestic canned sardine
The quote you would like to be known by: “Give a man a page of content and he will rank for a day. Teach a man to write a page of content and he will never need your services again.”
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Rum raisin. My blood is 50% alcohol and old ladies love me.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: The first time I watched Space Jam and realized that even Daffy Duck can play basketball.
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: If you wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man (me).
United States of Adminica
Human Resources/Billing/Collections
The United States of Adminica is like the ark Noah used to carry all the animals and resources to safety, except they’re human beings rather than a bunch of wooden planks. Our point is that they support us all with important admin work that none of the rest of us know how to do. In Adminica, we trust.
Team Captain: Della Davey
Age 26
Date of birth: September 17, 1996
Department of origin: The United States of Adminica
Pump up song: Harder, better, faster, stronger (or walking on sunshine).
Pre event ritual: Break someone’s leg
Favorite food: Poutine
Favorite Smell: Freshly baked bread…and victory
The animal you identify with the most: Dog
The quote you would like to be known by: “If you’re happy and you know it, think again”
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Bourbon vanilla, tastes like home.
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: On November 30th when Arielle said “you’re going to be our star athlete”
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Sorry… not sorry
Customer Careman Islands
Onboarding/Retention/General Customer Service
The Careman Islands is made up of our onboarding, retention, and general customer service specialists. It’s generally not a good idea to challenge these folks, but in the spirit of the games, they’ve agreed not to make our lives any harder if we don’t let them win.
This year, we’ve been given a heads-up by Kyle’s team lead that if they can’t get sassy Kyle to open their Teams messages and respond, we shouldn’t expect to be able to either.
Team Captain: Kyle McCrae
Age 6 and a half
Date of birth: 6 and a half years ago
Department of origin: Customer Careman Islands
Pump up song: Clients screaming in my ears
Pre event ritual: Highly sanctioned Russian steroids
Favorite food:My opponent's flesh
Favorite Smell: My opponent's blood
The animal you identify with the most: Mackenzie Samson
The quote you would like to be known by: "kyle speaking on a recorded line"
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: I'm too hot,, thin and fly for ice cream (lie, double choco fudge extreme)
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: The moment Mackenzie nominated me
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: KICK ROCKS, RET FOR THE WIN
The Tech Republic
Tech/Dev
The Tech Republic speaks a mother tongue none of the rest of us have ever bothered learning. That hasn’t stopped us from always trying to interface with them or ruining their day by not following their express instructions.
Generally, the rest of us already know our prowess has nothing on this dept. However, we’re willing to be the losers if you’ll keep fixing our computers and IT disasters.
Team Captain: NAS-T-115
Age5
Date of birth: 2233
Department of origin: Tech Republic
Pump up song: Ric flair drip
Pre event ritual: Restart all my devices
Favorite food: Whatever we eat in the Tech Republic
Favorite Smell: 0/0 Undefined
The animal you identify with the most: Humans
The quote you would like to be known by: The Stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun! WOOO
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Bertie Botts Every Flavour beans
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: Since my team nominated me cause they love me so much!
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: Morocco for the World CUP!
The Web Sea
Web Coordinators
The Web Sea is a group of Gandalf-level wizards who coordinate the creation of magic in a way that is unrivaled by any other. This famed collective is a group that never forgets even the most minor details, which always shows in their high and illustrious output level.
Team Captain: Ebony Palmer
Age 34
Date of birth: 07/18/88
Department of origin: The Web Sea
Pump up song: Kali 47 by Savant
Pre event ritual: Roll a d20
Favorite food: Poutine
Favorite Smell: Vanilla
The animal you identify with the most: Cat
The quote you would like to be known by: Burn Towns Get Money
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Probably a caramel mocha. Dark but sweet, like me :D
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: The prophecies foretold of one with such prowess and skill that they could best that challenge! Unfortunately, he wasn’t answering his calls, so they sent me instead!
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: We’re all pretty crafty and I’m pretty sure some of us bite, so watch your digits and get your shots!
United Local Emirates
Local
Our local team is a group of supreme SEO thrill seekers who know the illusive algorithmic rules of benevolent search engines better than they know themselves. One bit of advice: don’t cross this team because they have the power to direct internet traffic right to your house.
Team Captain: Nic Cumby
Age 26
Date of birth: Nov 20
Department of origin: United local Emirates
Pump up song: Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen
Pre event ritual: Pre workout and 3 chili cheese burritos from Taco Bell
Favorite food: Filet Mignon
Favorite Smell: Napalm in the morning
The animal you identify with the most: A Lion
The quote you would like to be known by: “Stay Golden”
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Cookie dough because its 2 snacks in 1
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: I was born with a football in my hands
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: I hope you like breakfast food cause your gonna be toast.
Denmarketing
Organic & Paid Ads
Denmarketing is built up of cold hearted gangsters who only wear camo and badass headbands. Be warned! They strike first, strike hard and they definitely show no mercy. They might not always win, but they're relentless and will never back out of a fight. With their attitude of "the best defense is more offense" we can guarantee that these rebels will bring it harder than Rocky in Rocky IV.
Team Captain: Duc Nguyen
Age 25
Date of birth: Jan 17, 1996
Department of origin: The Andrarctica Empire
Pump up song: Bubblegum K.K
Pre event ritual: Prayers for my enemies
Favorite food: Cotton Candy
Favorite Smell: Sage
The animal you identify with the most: Pig
The quote you would like to be known by: "I've got a taste for men who're older, it's always been so it's no surprise"
If you were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be and why?: Cotton Candy because I’m cheap, sweet, and bad for your health
When did you know you were destined to be a star athlete?: When I found out how hot athletes are
Anything you have to say to the other teams and their captains?: “Please go easy on me wuw”
How It All Plays Out
While the above countries all usually operate in harmonious unison like one giant Pangea, the LNM Olympics is the one time of year when we throw our gloves down and go for the ultimate bare-knuckle rounds. It’s all good clean fun, but the competition is sure to be brutal!